


it's a long way down (to the bottom of the river)

by amosanguis



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky has no time for Tony Stark's bullshit, Cruel Steve Rogers, Gen, Jealous Tony Stark, M/M, Multi-Lingual Steve Rogers, Non-Graphic Violent Sex, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Alternating, Steve Rogers's Anger Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Has Issues, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, attempted suicide, because i'm incapable of writing things in chronological order, title from a country song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 12:54:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2310326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amosanguis/pseuds/amosanguis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As soon as Bucky reappears – Tony should’ve known it was over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's a long way down (to the bottom of the river)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Bottom of the River" by Delta Rae

-z-

 

 _Hold my hand_  
_Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down to the bottom of the river_  
_Hold my hand_  
_Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down, a long way down_

 

-z-

 

As soon as Bucky reappears – Tony should’ve known it was over. 

 

-x-

 

What they have together – it’s not exactly healthy, not exactly sane.  But for them it _works_.  Or it would have – but then Bucky is standing in front of Steve and Steve _can’t breathe_.

 

-x-

 

Tony puts on his suit and Steve gets to forget himself, gets to loosen his control and just go all out.  He’s still faster than Tony’s suit, always darting in just quick enough to land a few blows and then dancing back out of range before Tony can move.

When he does land a blow, Steve just snarls, “That all you got, Stark?”

So he puts more force into the next punch and Steve answers with a devastating kick, the sounds of metal crunching ringing out.  It should be impossible, a mere human damaging the suit, but Steve’s doing it.

“If I wanted to spar, I would’ve said so,” Steve says as Tony stands, shakes his rattled head, “But I said that I wanted to fight.  So _fight_.”

“I’m not about to be the one who kills Captain America,” Tony says, even as he ups the power of the suit.

And Steve smirks, it’s dark and dangerous and just this side of manic, and he says, “I’d like to see you try.”

Then they’re crashing together again.  Bones break and blood is spilled, then Tony flies out of his suit and straddles the Captain, riding him as best he could with two broken ribs.

 

-x-

 

Steve doesn’t come around the Tower for a few days.  Tony tries not to think about it too much.

Then he disappears without a word and Tony learns it’s because he’s chasing the ghost of a dead friend or lover (no one seems to know for sure, but they always assume the latter).

“Who?” Tony demands of Phil when Phil comes around to pick Pepper up for their weekly brunch or world domination planning meeting.

“Turns out the Winter Soldier is James Barnes,” Phil says, sounding sad and impressed at the same time.  “Rogers thinks that if he catches him, Barnes can be rehabilitated.”

(Tony remembers his one visit to the Smithsonian’s Captain America exhibit, remembers the one Howling Commando who was lost, remembers a video of Sergeant Barnes with Steve, their heads bent together as they laughed into each other’s space.)

“Do you think he can?” Pepper is asking.

“I think,” he hesitates, “that Barnes is lost.  But, I know if there ever was someone who could bring him back, it would be Rogers – the Captain is too tenacious.”

Tony pours himself a drink to hide how he feels about Steve leaving without a goodbye.  He knows that Pepper suspects something happened between them, he can see it in the way she’s looking at him now – her face too soft and her eyes too kind.

(Tony wants to scream at her to keep her pity, he doesn’t need it.)

 

-x-

 

Steve runs after the Soldier, chases him through Canada and then into Europe.  The Soldier empties Hydra bases and leaves them for Steve and Sam to burn.

Sometimes he lets Steve catch glimpses of him – if he’s feeling particularly generous.  Then he’ll wave and disappear – if only to watch how quick Steve gets up and starts running again.

 

-x-

 

For a week where they stay in a Polish village with two hotels.  Sam and Steve take one, the Soldier takes the other.

Steve spends his days that week in the café across the street from the Soldier’s hotel, quietly drinking coffee and working on his Russian with the waitress (she knew the basics and she was helping him with his grammar).  On the sixth day, the Soldier comes down – sits across from Steve and orders a coffee.

They sit together quietly, the Soldier sipping his coffee as he stares at Steve.  Steve stares back.

The next morning, the Soldier is already at the café when Steve gets there.

“I had a dream last night,” he says after Steve has his coffee.  “We were together and in love – you were,” he pauses, the corner of his lips twitching up, “smaller?”

“We were,” Steve nods, “I was.”

“You got sick a lot,” he continues; Steve nods again.  “Every winter I was afraid it would be your last one.”

Steve shakes his head.  “Not until it was yours,” he says, looks up at the Soldier through his lashes, “then it was mine.”

“So when you crashed, it wasn’t a heroic sacrifice,” and Bucky is suddenly shining bright in the Soldier’s eyes and Steve freezes because, yeah, he can see Bucky, but he can also see how _angry_ he is, “it was suicide.”

“You were gone,” Steve says, looking down, away from the anger and the disappointment, “I didn’t know—” _how to keep going, how to move on, how to live_ – he doesn’t know how to put all of that into words, but he thinks that Bucky understands anyway.

“And what’ve you been doing since you woke up?” Bucky asks, almost accusing, his anger is still a dangerous undercurrent, but it’s softened.

“At first?” Steve asks.

(He thinks about Tony – Howard’s spitting image and the ghost of everything Steve has lost.  How just looking at him made Steve want to rage, made him want to tear Tony apart.  Because maybe if Tony couldn’t get back up, it mean that Steve was able to beat back his past, would be able to shake off the crushing weight of his failure to save Bucky (who, when he had first woken up, was only a few weeks lost and the pain was still so, so fresh).

He thinks about the well-timed alien invasion – how it distracted him just long enough to find a kindred warrior spirit in Thor, something to defend in Clint and Coulson, someone to admire in Natasha and in Bruce; long enough for him to find a play-thing in Tony.)

Steve looks back up, says, “If Loki hadn’t attacked and I hadn’t met the others, I don’t think I’d still be here.”

“That’s incredibly selfish,” Bucky says, leans back.  “But that’s you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, Buck,” Steve says, “I’ve always been selfish.” 

Because there’s a difference between being selfish and being mean.  If it didn’t hurt anyone, Steve would take what he wanted. 

When he realized that he had loved Bucky as more than a friend, that the way Bucky looked at him in the dark meant he felt the same – Steve had grinned and pulled Bucky in with a hand to the back of his neck, kissing him hungrily.  Bucky had hesitated only an instant and only out of surprise, and then he was picking Steve up (because he still could in those days) and slamming him against the wall, grinding their hips together.

“I’m ready to stop running,” Bucky says, bringing Steve back to the present, Bucky’s lips twitching again, “but there’s one more base in this area.  What do you say we pay it a visit?”

Steve grins and nods.

 

-x-

 

When Steve comes back to the Tower (he hasn’t gotten a new apartment yet and the old one still smells like Fury’s blood), he’s got the Winter Soldier in tow.  Natasha comes in as soon as she hears they’re there with Clint close on her heels, his curiosity piqued.

Tony doesn’t go down to the communal area; Steve doesn’t ask him to.  Maybe it’s the not-asking that eventually makes him go down, to look at Barnes and see what it was about him that stole Steve away.

(Tony’s not a fool though, he knows this implies that he had Steve in the first place – and he knows he never did.  And Tony savagely reminds himself that he never had that kind of sway over Steve, was never quite able to hold all of Steve’s attention – not unless they were beating the shit out of each other.  Even when they were fucking he heard Steve whisper in languages not English for a man whose name wasn’t Tony.

Because, if Tony’s being honest, it was nothing more than fucking.  Fucking for physical release, fucking to forget, fucking to feel _something_ other than whatever it was that haunted Steve’s nightmares.

(Steve’s nightmares, not Tony’s.  Tony’s nightmares were of no concern to anyone but JARVIS and Tony doesn’t think JARVIS counts.  So.))

And when he sees Barnes, sees the disgusting quality of his metal arm and his bright eyes and the way he’s talking quietly with Natasha and Steve in Russian, Tony’s mouth takes off - he lashes out. 

“Well, well,” Tony starts, “glad to see we’re allowing mass murderers into the house, that’s nice.”  He ignores the twitch of Natasha’s lip, the hardening in her eyes.  “Maybe it doesn’t count because you don’t remember?  Yeah, brainwashing sucks.”

“Tony,” Steve steps forward, a warning in his voice and danger radiating off him.  Tony doesn’t care, he’s busy self-destructing.

“Why don’t you come down to my lab,” Tony says, spitting words at guessed pressure points. “we’ll take a look at the arm, I’ll cut it off for you – we can do some experiments?  If you can’t handle it, I’ll throw you back on ice—”

Steve’s hand is wrapped around his throat.

“Shut the fuck up, Stark,” he growls.  He waits only a second before he shoves Tony away before turning and walking towards the door.

Tony meets Barnes’s eyes only briefly – the Soldier’s eyes are filled with condescension, with disgust – before he's turning away and following Steve.

“Your words mean nothing to him,” Natasha says, her voice chilling.  She doesn’t wait to hear anything Tony has to say before she leaves.

“What was that about?” Clint asks once they’re alone.

Tony tells him.

“I figured something was up,” Clint says, voice even.  And that’s it, he doesn’t offer his traditional ‘that sucks’ like he does for all of Tony’s problems; he just glares at him coolly, then he’s standing and walking out.

 

 -x-

 

“He loves you,” Bucky tells Steve.

“I don’t care,” Steve says, still shaking with his anger as he opens his apartment door.

“Did you ever—?” Bucky leaves the question open, waiting to see if Steve would fill in the blanks.

“A few times,” Steve answers, “it never meant anything to me.  I thought you were gone and I just – I don’t know, Bucky, I was lost.”

Bucky’s in Steve’s space, pressing small kisses along Steve’s jaw.

“It’s okay,” he whispers, “it is.”  And Steve pulls Bucky in impossibly closer, makes sure there’s no distance between them.  “Just give him some time,” Bucky says.

Steve nods, then he’s pulling Bucky up and into a hard kiss – chasing away all thoughts of Tony and the rough and apathetic nights they spent together.

 

-z-

 

End.

**Author's Note:**

> Update - 16 Sep '14 - for those about to leave a comment:
> 
> This fic has started some rather awesome discussions and I just wanted to thank everyone for being polite as they argue their cases. Please keep that up :)
> 
> I'm going to try to stay out of the comments as much as possible. There are things left vague in the fic that were on purpose (general timeline of the fic's events, TWS's involvement with Tony's parents). 
> 
> The only thing I do want to clarify - for me, this is just my extreme version of Steve, this is his darker side that no one really writes. So you, as the reader, can take it as ooc-ness or just another characterization. I'm merely presenting another version of him and hoping no one gets crazy angry. But, everyone's been polite so far - so thanks again for that!!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Heart 2.0](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4118565) by [risibleWorld](https://archiveofourown.org/users/risibleWorld/pseuds/risibleWorld)




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